Been awhile since I recorded anything here. But it is time, now, to catalogue some of my current journey. I have become the caregiver for my elderly mother. It is a blessing, a privilege, and the hardest thing I have ever done; and I have done some hard things.

I noticed some mental deterioration a couple of years ago, and knew we would need to find a solution that would keep her safe and comfortable for the rest of her life. Prayerfully, we explored possibilities. I knew it would be very stressful for all of us to have her move in with Steven and me. So, when the little house next door went up for sale, we knew it was an inspired opportunity. We bought the house and, with her cooperation, moved Mom down in January of last year. She had misgivings, anxieties, of all kinds. But she also had her own spiritual witness that it was the Right Thing to do. Trouble was, she didn't remember that witness. Many, many times over the following months, I reminded her of the way God directed our decision, and how she had also been reassured by the Spirit. When we talked about it, she could reclaim some memory; but only temporarily. Then, in a few weeks, we would have the same doubts surface, causing distress and misery for her. She sometimes erupted in hostility, accusing me or Steve of "taking over" her life, or bullying her into the decision.

The deterioration of her mental acuity continued. I was so grateful we had acted when we did. Delaying only a few months would have made it so much more difficult, as she would have been even more fearful, forgetful, and frail. As it was, I could see that she was truly unsafe without monitoring. Once, she caused a disastrous toxic gas to flood the house, by pouring copious amounts of chlorine bleach down her toilets. She had used bleach as a cleanser for the toilets for many years. But this time, she forgot that it had already been done. Doing it again, and possibly again, in a few short hours, the reaction in the pipes was dangerously powerful. We had to remove all the bleach from the house and insist she use white vinegar, instead. She complied, reluctantly, because it is "our" house, after all, and we can decide how it is cared for. But she continued to complain, forgetting the problem she had caused herself. She nearly choked to death.

A few months later, Mom put a pork roast in the oven, fell asleep, and didn't wake to the timer. It created not only a scorched lump of charcoal, but a toxic smell that filled the house, causing "smoke" damage that had to be addressed by a professional disaster clean up crew. We were fortunate, blessed, that it didn't start a fire. Again, she downplayed the seriousness of the problem. She didn't smell it, partly because she had been in the house as it gradually developed, and partly because her older senses had already been damaged by the chlorine issue. We had to unplug the stove/oven to keep such a thing from happening, again. She just can't be trusted to remember. And nobody can help falling asleep. This was hard. Mom felt she was further frustrated in her need for independence.

In addition, when the disaster people returned all the clothing/linens from their professional laundering, Mom was sure there were missing items (yet I watched them catalog everything, and carefully label each item). Mostly, she couldn't remember where things had been or how to put them away. And being Mom, she had to do most of this herself. It was exhausting. And it further validated my understanding that my mother is OCD. I always knew she was a perfectionist, and a controller. I grew up with her, after all. I have known for many years that her fears were at paranoia levels. But the daily interaction this season has required, has given me better insight. Add to finish the list, Mom struggles with germaphobic issues. Although my daughter, Shannon, comes almost every week to do basic cleaning for her grandma, Shannon does some things differently than Mom would do. Mother appreciates the help. But she also sort of resents it. Many conversations have taken place, reassuring her that Shannon needs the opportunity to teach her children how to serve; and, Mom is giving them all that blessing. And frankly, there is no way Mom could keep up the level of clean she prefers, on her own, any more. She doesn't like to admit this. But it is true.

She doesn't like to admit a lot of things. Denial seems to be part of the illness. Her dementia is progressing. She has moments of good humor, even gratitude. She is learning to love the neighborhood, the neighbors, the Ward congregation, and the cute little house. But she still has depressions, anxieties, suspicions, and regrets. Her paranoia is her governing state. It makes me sad to see her so troubled, and I unable to fix it.

Which brings me to my personal journey. I will talk about that in another entry.

Well, I am in the middle of an Historical Event. Today is the inauguration of President Donald Trump.  The entire election process was more violent, divisive, controversial, and just plain ugly, than any previous election in this country. And, there he is: the center of all that, and now at the center of the American Stage, as the Chief Officer.

I am not entering into any debate. It has been nasty enough. What I would like to do is express my feelings about the State of Things. I am by nature optimistic. And we need optimism. I also have faith in God, and an absolute assurance that He is watching over this country and its people. And we need faith. I recognize that Divine help created the United States of America in the first place; and that the price for His continued support is to serve the God of this land. We need to live the Christian principles and values that will earn His blessing. Most of us are not evil. Most of us still try to do good and be good. That is why I have hope. And we need hope. We need goodness.

Even though this new chapter may be alarming, I refuse to be alarmed. I believe that I can find peace. Optimism, faith, goodness, and hope are stronger than fear. And we need not be overcome.