Memories

I needed more space or different space to store art photos. Thus began a dip in the memory pool as I've been sorting through 40 years of school projects, report cards, Christmas pictures, baby announcements, notes, creative writings and funeral programs from friends and relatives and my own kids. I had a file folder on each of my children, and one labeled "About Friends." Then there was one called "Misc. Memories" that had newspaper clippings about me or Steve doing community things, school things, clippings of my writings in the Church News, and keepsake notes and cards from my life's story. I felt like I'd revisited a lifetime in an afternoon. It was fun to read some of Jacob's Young Author entries (that won prizes up to state levels), remember my years as the Frontier Days School Marm, sigh over all the wedding announcements (some that have since ended in divorce), and chuckle again at the collection of quotes I'd once been smart enough to write down ("Dad are you going to bang the peoples at work or the mean mans outside?"--Jeff on the new hunting rifle). I still shake my head at the string of F's on Tim's last HS report, and love watching families grow up again as pictured in Christmas cards from year to year. But the overwhelming emotion of this experience is not the nostalgic warm and fuzzy thing I expected. It's a Homesick Longing to cuddle my own little kids again. I miss their innocence, their unbridled enthusiasm and delight in each other, in simple pleasures and homey moments. I miss Tim's tender hug on a hard day. I miss Shannon's fearlessness. I miss the way Eric's glasses slid down his nose when he was totally absorbed in a book. I even miss Jacob's Museum and Jeff's math assignments. No, I don't want to go back. I shudder at the required energy and effort. But there are things I wish I'd done better, of course. And moments I can look at now and wonder if that was the turning point, the catalyst for what became a regret or a triumph. I guess it's okay to wonder as long as I don't dwell too long on it all. Nevertheless, I'm glad to have had the plunge. I came out wet with sentimental tears, but I wouldn't trade my past for anything. And, I really miss my little kids.